a reckoning

The thing is....

I really did know Dan's lips. His skin. His touch. He's amazingly strong, soft. hard..all at the same time. And I miss him.

I think of the time we picked black berries at his Uncle's house and he says.."You know what they say..the darker the berry the sweeter the taste.." Then he went into this long speech how he was the lightest skin in his family and well, he felt like a failure.

I hate when he does this because he wants to be a sad story. He just does. I want him to stop thinking that way. He has to. He just does. But as much as I try to make him see he's worth so much. He never misses a day of work. He cares so much about so many people. He even spends his Sunday mornings down at the shelter making sandwiches for the homeless so other people can go to church. That's what kind of guy he is.

It was so cozy and calm with him. It was more than he said it was. It was. It should have been. But no, let Eli get all moody and just a real shit. He went running back to him.

I should have known Eli would have been such a train wreck. But will he talk to me?

Of course not. He won't even look at me.

A part of me wants to do something I'll regret. First I thought of hitting Eli where it hurt. But it might hurt more if I had Dan's baby. But I'm not.

OK, I did wake in a sweat and thought it might be true. But it wasn't. No. No. That did not happen. Even if I wish..It could have happened.

I thought about getting back with Clive.

"Don't you dare call him." Colby told me this. He did. Right in my own kitchen while Tony was in the bathroom. This was yesterday. Out of the blue.

"How did you know I even wanted to call him?" Is he psychic? Why does he care?

"You have to let it go." He made it sound like I just needed to watch from below while balloon faded in the sky. I just hugged myself.

"OK." I dunno why we talk. I just don't care anymore. I always feel so alone around him. How does he do it? "I won't call. I won't do anything." I don't think I sounded suicidal.

"You should come back with us." He told me then.

"Why, I can't even go to school this next semester." I felt as if my dreams were dying even if I wasn't sure exactly what they were. I didn't even really have a major.

"You can still ..do something." His eyes so stern. There is something so perfect about him. He can't be real. This can't be happening. But it is.

"Like what?" I squinted so hard. I feel as if I'll be Dora's keeper. And I have to be happy. Not sad. Its the reality.

"I don't know. But you'll think of something. You'll find a way to be ..something." His words so hopeful. So sad. Its always up to me.Why does he have to be that way?

It can't be down hill from here

Nothing in the world feels absolutely right, about now.

1. I'm not so good at breaking up over the phone. Like I could have taken a bus just to break up with Clive. Sorry...sorry..sorry..sorry. God, how many times must I say it.

2. I can't plan nor cook anything. Evidently. This goes for having a love affair too. Positively. I'm thinking now. I just don't know if my life will ever be sane again.

3. Yes, I know. I'm over dramatic. I can't sleep and well, I never meant to hurt anyone.

Tony came home with Colby. God, why are they here? Seriously. Now.

Perhaps thats why my stomach is all a tizzy and I'm really not good with people. Not even as a junior friend at the library. I let some kid with Aspbergers walk off with the wrong prize. Yes, I can't seem to do anything right, lately.

And I might not even be going back to school in the fall. My Dad's had to cut back on a lot of things due to the economy. And he thinks I should just work. As if I were a princess or something. NOT.

OH..and the latest...Eli's joined the ARMY. Why would he do such a thing? Why? He would have to make Dan feel bad. When all along we know who the bad person is in all of this. Don't you dare go thinking its me. Its not.

like the fifth thing

Why do I do this to myself? Why?

A part of me feels like ripping my hair out. Maybe. No, I wouldn't. Its just. I must be an idiot. On so many different levels. Honestly.

God, and those fireworks ..just keep coming. POP...Pop..pop....

OK, so I guess Clive knows something is up. I called. He's called. I just can't tell him...yet.

Should I even tell him..really?

All right, Dan and I might really be good at the making out ..now. Since..its kind of this new thing that keeps popping up...usually..near the end, but not always. We haven't really discussed..you know..the possibility of us. All that kissing kind of gets in the way.

I have a feeling Dan's doing something with Eli tonight. I'm trying not to think about it.

God, I spend like everyday with Dan, you know. Now a holiday.

I have to make a salad for tomorrow. Some of Mom's friends are having a picnic. God, I can't think of the fifth thing in the five cup salad..I've got coconut, mandrain oranges, little marshmellows...and crushed pinapple..what's the fifth thing?

Why does everything have to be a mystery to me?

a long hot and humid summer

I want to tell you the bite on my foot really is bothering me. I hope its not a mosquito bite, because...well..I dunno..right now, its like I'm wondering if we'll all go zombies or something.

Maybe that's why I kissed Dan. Not because of my foot. Probably not because of the zombies, either. Even though, he did take a look at my foot and thinks its a spider bite. Well, that's what he said ..before.

Ummm..

Maybe I kissed him first.

I'm trying to think how it happened. Why it happened.

We were in my livingroom, and Zombieland was on the TV. It wasn't that late. Exactly. And I thought I had a rock in my shoe all this time. So, he took off my shoe. And that's what started everything.

Maybe its because I'm bored. Not because he's Ely's boyfriend. You know. Not. No, its not.

He kissed me back. And Dan's not boring. Really, he's not. Its just, we've been hanging out. Like nonstop. I mean, its good. The kissing. It is.

I kept thinking, I'd imagine Clive immediately when our lips met, but I didn't. I'm pretty sure I was thinking Dan. Yes, I was. And we kissed some more, because, well, you just want to see if its true at first. You know, what made you smile when it happened.

OH MY GOD...what have I done?

I like being with him. Not that we've done a whole lot other than kissing. I just don't know, what he's thinking or doing or you know, how he might be around Eli now. God, I don't know. I just don't know.

THE OTHER NEWS. My brother got an apartment with someone...as in Colby. I dunno what to think about that. Those two together.

And that other thing I have to do. Talk to Clive.

God, I am so dreading that part. I think I'd rather face zombies right now than Clive.

cheap thrills

I try not to hang out with Dan, all the time. But since Eli is gone, why not?

I mean, we like the same rides at the carnival we went too. It was lots of fun. Fast rides. Neither of us got sick, either. He joked around a little about joining the carnival and being a carnie. I don't think it'll happen. He won't admit it, but he loves working at CVS. Anyway, he says he's never went to a carnival where he's had more fun.

So..I'm not spending all my time with Dori, either. I have been manning the Junior Friend's table at the library. Although, I feel too old to be there, especially, when I met a high school friend who already has a baby. I felt really old then. Really old. But I've made a few friends, sort of. And its a nice place to go in the afternoons.

Still, I know I need a job, but they are so hard to come by. Its like I'm too late.

But Dan has a way of taking my mind off that. We went to see Super 8. I loved that movie. So nostalgic and I love how intimate Joe and Alice were..without actually doing anything. Maybe..its a lot like that with Dan.

Its good to get out and do things and usually, we stay out late, drinking coffee, eating..chocolate silk pie at Village Inn. We share.

I would spend more time with Mom, but she works, a lot. Clive has been working pretty hard too. We still talk, most nights. It sounds like such a long summer, and yet..it seems to be going by pretty quickly.